Polygon praised a 5-hour walking simulator for being 'the start of something'

Ah, Oli Welsh. The man who looked at Senua's Saga: Hellblade II — a game widely criticized for having approximately four hours of walking slowly through beautiful corridors — and declared there is 'no doubting the craft on display.' Oli, mon ami, there is also no doubting the craft on display in a museum. That does not make it a game.

The review breathlessly praises the 'immersive sense of presence,' which is a very elegant way of saying 'it looks pretty and you hold forward on the stick.' Hellblade II is the most expensive walking simulator ever created, a game that Microsoft funded to the tune of what I can only assume is several hundred million dollars so that Senua could have photorealistic pores while she walks through another cave. And Polygon ate it up like a Michelin-starred amuse-bouche that costs forty dollars and fits on a teaspoon.

'It feels like the start of something — like a true next-gen experience should.' The start of something? The game is five hours long! What exactly is starting? A cutscene? A loading screen? The review manages to praise Hellblade II for being the beginning of an experience it never actually delivers. This is the critical equivalent of giving a standing ovation to a restaurant that only serves appetizers. Magnifique — if you enjoy paying full price for a tech demo with feelings.