Empire's reviewer clearly watched The Substance through her fingers

Laura Venning's review of The Substance is a masterclass in trying to sound unbothered by a film that clearly made her want to leave the cinema and call her mother. She describes the body horror as 'grimly funny,' which is the critical equivalent of laughing nervously while someone describes a car accident. The entire review carries the energy of a person who watched the final act through their fingers but doesn't want to admit it because they write for Empire and Empire reviewers are supposed to be cool about this sort of thing.

The 4/5 is a curious score for a film that Venning spends half the review qualifying. She praises the satire but notes it's 'not exactly subtle.' She celebrates Demi Moore's performance but hedges that the film 'leans heavily on shock value.' She calls it an 'uproariously good time' while simultaneously warning readers about its 'extreme' content. This is a review at war with itself — the text wants to give it a 3 but the number wants to be at the cool kids' table. Coralie Fargeat made a film designed to make audiences uncomfortable, and Venning's discomfort is radiating off every carefully measured paragraph like heat from asphalt.

Credit where due: Venning at least engages with the film's feminist themes rather than reducing it to a gore showcase, which puts her ahead of roughly 80% of male critics who reviewed this film by listing body parts. But the hedging undermines the analysis. Pick a lane, Laura. Either the film's lack of subtlety is a flaw or it's the point. You can't dock points for a sledgehammer being heavy.